~by Fr. Jack Bentz, SJ

St. Ignatius did nothing by halves. Whether it was soldiering or sainting, once in, he was all in. As he recovered from his cannon ball wound, Ignatius was in that weird place between two worlds; he knew God was calling him to a new life but had only the instruments of his old life to guide him. So he fumbled his way towards an interiority beyond him at the time. Strange to say, his own interior was still out of reach. In fact, he may not have even known it existed. This can happen to us all.

According to the Autobiography of St. Ignatius, “He (Ignatius) went on his way to Montserrat, thinking as always about the deeds he would do for the love of God. As his mind was full of ideas from Amadis of Gaul and such books, some things similar to those came to mind. Thus he decided to watch over his arms all one night, without sitting down or going to bed, but standing a while and kneeling a while, before the altar of Our Lady of Montserrat.”

Before Ignatius the last person to take Amadis of Gaul as a role model was Don Quixote, so we can see where this is headed. Ignatius made his way to a famous monastery and staged a “Giving it all up for Jesus” scene. It is a very heroic picture and one celebrated in paintings and statuary wherever unmortified Jesuits are paying the bills. If you are a young man, you will almost assuredly be moved to admiration and a desire to imitate this Ignatius and in doing so just might miss the more profound meaning of this event. And miss why Ignatius includes it in the text.

At this point in the Autobiography, Ignatius is still all about exteriors and has not yet accepted God’s invitation to move deeper into the interior poverty that will eventually make Ignatius truly heroic. At Montserrat, Ignatius is still acting like a chevalier who has changed his focus but not his actions. So instead of following the Duke of Navarre he is now following God and instead of thinking of a lady he is thinking of Our Lady. “His mind was full of ideas from Amadis of Gaul and such books.” He has a grip on his desires but they have yet to be mortified and redeemed by Christ. This is a process that we, like Ignatius, must try to engage. We, like him, must look to be mortified.

This notion of mortification has a central place in the spirituality of the Jesuits because it was the key to changing Ignatius into a useful instrument of God. Through his spiritual experiences which were the basis of the Spiritual Exercises, God shaped the desires of Ignatius. His desires did not lose their fire or energy but were freed from the limits of self serving. God humbled Ignatius so that he could serve God in a way that was so much greater than the flimsy objects that Ignatius could imagine.

When I was beginning to think about becoming a priest I decided to go to confession and get a really fresh start. Now, this was a good idea but I went at it like the early Ignatius would have. I chose to go on a very warm, beautiful Saturday afternoon in August. These are rare in Seattle, but rather than go to the lake and spend the day thanking God, I looked for a church. I dressed all in black and walked the several blocks where I alone was kneeling in prayer before and after confession. I remember being so impressed with my devotion, with my sin, with my pious clothing, my pious perspiration, with everything about me. I was so caught up in this good thing I was doing that I was even a little disappointed that the penance I received was not harder. I wanted more of this self scripted story of my redemption.

This going to confession was fine but just a very small first step that fills me with embarrassment now. What was I thinking? How could I be anything but foolish in these actions? Could I not just have gone to confession and been done with it? Was the Sacrament not quite enough for me? Did Ignatius feel the same thing when he remembered Montserrat? And when he dictated this event for his Autobiography? I think so.

Everything we know about the Ignatius who became a saint suggests that he would never have consented to his story being told as a heroic one. He went to great lengths to avoid that. So how can we see this event as anything but as a warning? If we are to find the truly heroic Ignatius we must look later in his life when he is able to adjust to disappointment, is able to find grace enough to put up with spectacularly contrary brothers in Christ, and give himself to the detailed work of administration. This is the heroic being subjected to the tempering grace of God who wants more than we can imagine and by paths that often seem opposite to our good desires. This is something we, like Ignatius, can bring our whole selves to.