~ Matthew Kunkel, SJ reflects on regency

There’s no place like home, and living in Portland for the past two years is a return home to where I first encountered the God of the Spiritual Exercises. When I entered the novitiate in 2002, my vision and understanding of God was a god to be feared, one who was more interested in judging me than redeeming me. But through the love of my novice director and the support of his assistant, who directed me throughout the long retreat, I began to know a God who loves unconditionally, even when I sinned or made mistakes.

These two Jesuits acted in loving and generous ways, forgiving me and allowing me the time and patience to grow in my understanding of God’s love. When I made first vows in 2004 and was missioned to first studies at St. Louis University, I left the support of these two men, and yet I found others to support me and teach me about God’s grace. But it was the experience of the novitiate that had opened me up to being able to receive this support and grace. And it was in St. Louis that I was prepared for the next stage of formation. My spiritual director there told me before I returned to Portland to begin teaching for regency was, “It does not matter what you teach them, your job is to love them.”

As a regent at St. Andrew Nativity School, I built upon my experience in the novitiate and learned to interact with a new and strange culture: adolescence. These adolescents are like most their age – they have mood swings and brains that check out easily. But they carry baggage many others do not: their parents’ may depend on them to cook dinner or care for their younger siblings, even though they are only 12 or 13 themselves. They don’t always have the support of one parent, let alone two. Grandma may be the most important adult in their life, but Grandma is tired because she may work 40+ hours herself and still be raising two or three kids of her own. These adolescents are a delicate but strong group of individuals. They face battles of poverty, of race, of language or nationality and all they really want, like anyone else, is to be loved.

These past two years of regency caused me to struggle and allowed me to grow up; when one is the only adult in the room, one must act accordingly. I tried to be just and I tried to love. I planned extensively and I asked tough questions in the classroom. I challenged them to think logically as I struggled to be polite and calm, even though I felt anger and frustration with the challenges of being an educator.

I think what surprises me most at this time is that the kids loved me even more than I loved them.

Sure, I prayed for them and listened to them, and tried to be of help. But I had a hard time letting bygones be bygones, while they seemed to let go of things very easily. Unconditional love.

I believe that my task this summer, in addition to teaching Grammar to 6th graders, is to love the students. This time, I ask for the grace to love them as God does, unconditionally. It’s a daunting task, but to paraphrase Paul, if I give my body over to be burned, but do not have love, I gain nothing.